Don’t Take It Personally: De-escalating Conflicts in the Classroom

Three ways we can minimize conflicts and maximize positive learning opportunities for students. 

DR. ROBERTA LENGER KANG
Center Director, CPET

What do you do? 
I’m a teacher. 
Oh wow, I could never do that! [long pause] It must be so rewarding, though. 

I’ve had this conversation at least a hundred times, maybe more. There’s the same rhythm of awkward pauses each time, where the other person looks to say something positive, and I recall small, not-so-rewarding incidents that have happened over my teaching career. 

Yes, I do find my work in education, both in and out of the classroom, to be extremely rewarding when I focus on the big picture. But on a day-to-day basis, teaching can be a struggle. It’s a struggle because, contrary to popular belief, teachers do not teach Math or Science, or History — they teach students. From tiny to tall, students are actual human beings with independent identities, personal autonomy, and a will of their own. The concept of “controlling your class” is both inaccurate and impossible. On any given day, a highly effective teacher can facilitate, guide, support, foster, and nurture a positive learning environment — but we can never control it. Subsequently, creating classroom culture or managing student behaviors is a major stressor for teachers at all levels. 

Many teachers maintain the myth of classroom control and as a result, they may struggle to embrace student-centered instructional strategies like peer-to-peer discussions, group work, and student choice on tasks. The more fear we have, the more likely we are to become hyper-vigilant micro-managers in the classroom, which can sometimes magnify small issues and escalate conflicts, creating disruptive and potentially dangerous power dynamics that can block off relationships and erode trust between teachers and students. None of which feels rewarding, I promise. 

As teachers, we have a lot of power and responsibility to set the tone in our own classrooms and create a culture of learning that empowers students to engage in the lessons with respect for themselves and others. Here are three ways we can de-escalate conflicts and maximize positive learning opportunities for students. 

---

Don't take it personally

The first thing we want to remember is that all of our students are actual human beings who typically live 23 hrs and 10 minutes a day without us. When they enter into our classroom after a bad morning, feeling hungry, distracted, or any number of other emotions, it’s easy for us to take their words and actions as a personal attack. This can put us on defense, or worse — on the offense. 

Before reacting, we will benefit from asking a few simple questions that will help us to strategize our next steps.
​

• What’s happening? When 25-30+ students enter the classroom, it’s impossible to see and hear everything that’s happening to every student. Before we make assumptions about who’s doing what, we can take a moment to articulate what’s happening, for ourselves and our students. Can we name the negative behaviors we want to see eliminated? Can we name the positive behaviors we want to see implemented?

 

• What is the catalyst? Can we determine what initiated their behavior, whether it’s something that originated within our class, or something may be happening outside of the classroom?

 

• What action should I take? When asking this question, we have to check out motivation and goals. It’s easy to fall into the trap of seeking punishment as payback for our personal offense. This often results in a power struggle that distracts further from the learning process and distances us from our students. Instead, we must set aside any personal offense we may have experienced and focus on helping the student to positively engage in the learning community. 

Things to stop

Things to start

Eliminate sarcasm, passive aggressive, or threatening language from communication with students, for example: “Thanks for showing up, finally” for students who are late to class; “Late again, hope it was worth it”; or “If you come late to class again you’ll be hearing from me at home!” ​Any way we slice it, these tactics are disruptive, escalating moves that are more likely to push students further away rather than help them reframe their own behavior.  ​ ​

Focus on positive and personalized interactions with students that describe the desired behavior and the purpose of what we’re doing. Using the same lateness example from above, alternatively we can say things like: “I’m glad you’re here, we’re on page 52”; “Go ahead and get started on your assignment but let’s check in later about being on time to class”; or “I just want to remind you about our class policy for being on time. If you’re late again, according to the policy, I’ll need to call home to strategize a plan with your family. Let’s see what we can do before we get to that stage, how does that sound?” ​If we are more focused on helping students get to the goal of learning, then we can let go of the idea of winning when it comes to creating a positive classroom culture.

---

Praise publicly

Even in the smallest classes, teachers are outnumbered. As a result, we’re hyper-focused on distracting, disruptive, disrespectful, and defiant behaviors and we’re far more likely to address everything that’s going wrong, rather than what’s actually going right. Often, we’re addressing negative classroom behaviors in front of the whole class because it’s more efficient to say, “Brian, stop talking” from the front of the room than it is to walk to the back of the class and talk with Brian privately in the middle of a lesson. But culture is shaped primarily by the narrative, and as teachers, we have the privileged opportunity to set up a positive narrative in our space. By eliminating public criticism, and praising publicly instead, we have the power to create positive momentum, spotlight all the students who are doing the “right” thing, and set clear expectations for what students are supposed to do.

Things to stop

Things to start

​Eliminate public criticism of individual students, addressing behavior concerns to the whole class, and displaying power/authority by ejecting students from class based on non-violent behaviors. We want to be mindful that while these may be efficient ways to deal with unwanted student behaviors, each of these methods belittles and publicly shames individual students in front of their peers, and this action is more likely to increase the growing tensions. ​

Name and count positive behaviors publicly. Many negative behaviors stem from students who are striving to gain attention from a caring adult or other students — sometimes, even negative attention is better than no attention at all. Instead, we should refocus how students receive support and attention so that we can reinforce positive behavior strategies. By calling out the behavior you want to see, and the value the activity brings to students’ lives, we’re able to create a new narrative and a new normal.

---

Reflect & redirect

​Our goal is not to become afraid of addressing students’ negative behaviors directly, but rather to begin addressing them strategically. If we can remove our personal feelings from the situation, we’ll be better positioned to find a method for motivating students to fully commit to a proactive and positive learning environment. Part of that methodology is public praise — the other part is personalized reflection and redirection. Especially when working in a culture that is vastly different from one’s own, focusing on short, private conversations when it’s necessary to address a negative behavior can only have a positive impact on the culture. 

Things to stop

Things to start

Eliminate public critique, accusations (even if you know you’re right), and public tug of wars with students. These reactions will increase power struggles, negative cultural dynamics, and escalate the conflicts. ​ ​

Increase private conversations that prioritize a brief reflection on the disruptive behavior followed by direct feedback about what the student should do instead. Dealing with these conflicts individually and privately allows students de-escalate conflicts because they’re less concerned with how they may appear in front of their peers. Consider ways to ask students two simple questions if they’re struggling to focus on their specific task. "Do you have any questions about what you’re supposed to be doing?" — the answer is almost always, “no questions.” "Is there anything preventing you from getting to work right now?" — the answer is almost always, “nothing,” in which case, your response can be, “Great! Please get started then!” ​This extremely short private conversation has the ability to change the dynamic between teachers and students as well as avoiding public battles for power.

---

​Our classroom spaces will feel physically and psychologically safer when we acknowledge that students’ behavior is a form of communication, even when directed towards us. When we allow ourselves to be personally offended, we are likely to simplify the situation and vilify the student. This leaves us more likely to respond defensively, criticize, and engage in power struggles. Each of these instincts are likely to increase tension and escalate conflicts at the exact moment when we know that diffusing the situation would be more beneficial to our students and ourselves.

​